Written by: Dr. Tik Chi-yuen, Director of Hong Kong Institute of Family Education
Last weekend, I attended a parent seminar where it was mentioned that parents should establish a close communication relationship with their children. Nowadays, young people rarely confide in their parents when facing difficulties. During the open discussion, a father asked me, “My son is in Form 3, and we rarely talk, especially about his feelings. How can I build a communication relationship with him?” I believe many parents have faced similar issues, especially as their children grow. Why is it so difficult to establish heartfelt communication with our children?
When children are young, communication seems to be straightforward and without issues. However, as they grow into adolescence, parents often find communication suddenly becomes challenging. Some parents say that communication has become “one sentence against nine,” meaning when parents say one thing, children respond with nine counterarguments, making effective communication difficult. What is the problem? It lies in the topics and attitudes we adopt when communicating with our children.
When we come home each day, the first question we often ask our children is, “Have you finished your homework?” We constantly remind them to take a shower, tidy up their toys, do their homework, and review their lessons. This creates a daily routine filled with tasks. When the parent-child relationship becomes task-oriented, both sides feel exhausted. Some parents feel drained by having to manage their children’s responsibilities every day, and children feel overwhelmed as well. When our conversations revolve around tasks and chores, children gradually perceive talking to parents as a source of pressure, leading them to be less willing to communicate.
Regarding attitude, parents need to reflect and reassess their approach. We often have too many criticisms and reprimands about our children’s performance. When their handwriting is messy, we correct it and ask them to rewrite it; when they barely pass a test, we express our dissatisfaction. We frequently compare our children with others, diminishing their achievements. This overly critical and comparative attitude makes children feel that their parents are never satisfied, which is difficult for them to handle and also undermines their self-confidence. Just as we dislike harsh bosses, children also feel distanced from parents who constantly criticize them, leading them to avoid sharing their thoughts and feelings.
With these issues at hand, how can we improve? If our children are still young, we should immediately work on improving the content and attitude of our communication. We should discuss topics of mutual interest, especially happy experiences. Additionally, we should appreciate our children’s strengths and offer more encouragement and support. If our children are already in their teenage years, we need to learn to be friends with them, listen more, and nag less. We should first open up to them about our feelings to encourage them to share their thoughts with us as well. The bond between parents and children is inherently one of affection; we can build an intimate communication relationship by putting in the effort.
