Written by: Marriage and Family Therapist, Child Play Therapist, Lee Wai Zi
The arrival of a child often brings significant changes to a family. Many times, parents become so busy taking care of and educating their children that they inadvertently neglect the quality of their marital life. Over time, their relationship may become reduced to a series of responsibilities and pressures. I once heard a friend say that every day after work, he would mechanically check his children’s homework and supervise their studying, while his wife took care of their meals and routines. By the time they could finally rest, it was often late at night, and even if they had some energy left to talk, their conversations revolved solely around their children’s academic performance. Sometimes, they didn’t even have enough time to rest themselves, let alone care for or respond to each other’s needs.
In my counseling experience, I have encountered many couples facing difficulties in their marriage, and they all agree that their relationship began to suffer after the birth of their child. Most people would think this is due to differing expectations and educational methods regarding their children, or an unequal distribution of roles and responsibilities in parenting, leading to conflicts.
However, the vast majority of couples express that they do not necessarily need their partner to agree with their thoughts or actions. The crux of the issue lies in the fact that when they confront parenting and various life pressures, they often feel a lack of recognition, support, and acceptance from their spouse, leading both parties to feel isolated and helpless. This gradually undermines the trust and emotional connection between them.
It is perfectly normal for couples to have
different educational philosophies and methods. Yet, during the parenting
process, parents often resort to ineffective and destructive methods to handle
their differences, unintentionally creating a negative cycle of interaction.
For example, a wife might complain about their child’s disobedience in front of
her husband, or express dissatisfaction that he is not helping with household
chores and parenting responsibilities. The wife’s intention in expressing her
frustrations is to make her husband understand her worries and concerns, and to
gain his support and comfort.
However, the husband usually only perceives
his wife’s complaints and criticisms. To protect himself from emotional harm,
he may remain silent or repeatedly explain and defend himself, hoping for his
wife’s understanding and acceptance. The more the husband explains, the more the
wife feels unvalued and misunderstood, leading her to escalate her accusations.
The more she accuses, the more helpless the husband feels, prompting him to
avoid the situation and defend himself even more. Both partners become victims
within this negative cycle of interaction. If parents do not promptly confront
and resolve the deadlock in their relationship, it will not only prolong and
exacerbate the issues, but it may ultimately harm their children.
The health of a family and its children is
built upon a strong emotional connection between the couple. Therefore, for the
sake of themselves and their children, parents should consider spending more
time nurturing the love between them. A happy marriage will naturally allow
children to grow up healthy and joyful.
